People Pleasing - Myths & Facts

Myths and Facts About People Pleasing

Do you or someone you know people please?  It used to be part of my coping mechanisms.  I didn’t understand why I was doing it.  All I knew was that I felt hugely fearful around some people.  Not all people, just the people I deemed as unsafe.  I’d heard some refer to people pleasing as being fake.  I knew there was so much more to it as I considered myself genuine, but was highly aware of danger signals from others. 

Take a moment to read my blog to learn about the Myths and Facts about people pleasing.

Myths:

Myth 1: People-pleasers are always weak and submissive. This is not always the case. People-pleasers can be strong and assertive in other areas of their lives. They may only people-please in certain situations or with certain people.

Myth 2: People-pleasers are always selfless. People-pleasing is done as an act of self-preservation. They may put the needs of others before their own, but they may also do this to get something in return, such as praise or validation.

Myth 3: People-pleasers are always unhappy. This is not necessarily true. People-pleasers can find happiness in their relationships and in helping others. However, if people-pleasing becomes a compulsive behaviour, it can lead to negative consequences such as anxiety, depression, and burnout.

Myth 4: People-pleasing is a sign of weakness. It is important to remember that people-pleasing is a coping mechanism. It is a way of dealing with difficult emotions and situations. People-pleasers are not weak. They are simply trying to protect themselves from pain.

Myth 5: People-pleasers cannot change. This is not true. People-pleasing is a learned behaviour. It can be unlearned with the help of therapy and self-reflection.

Myth 6: People pleasers are narcissists. Again, not true. Narcissists and people pleasers do share one thing; they both had a parent(s) who were unable to express their feelings effectively. Apart from that they operate differently, the narcissist acts out of a need to feed their own ego whilst the people pleasers intention is to have their wounds healed.

If you are a people-pleaser, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who struggle with this behaviour. It is also important to remember that you are not weak or selfish. You are simply trying to cope with difficult emotions and situations.

Facts:

People-pleasing is a behaviour that involves putting the needs and wants of others before our own. By putting other people’s emotions and needs above our own, we People-pleasers often feel the need to be liked and accepted by everyone, and they may go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disapproval in order to feel validated and safe.

There are many reasons why people might develop people-pleasing behaviours. Some common reasons include:

·      Low self-esteem

·      Fear of rejection

·      A need for control

·      Growing up with a parent unable to deal with their own feelings

·      A history of trauma or abuse

People-pleasing can have a negative impact on both mental and physical health. People-pleasers may experience anxiety, depression, burnout, and physical health problems such as headaches, stomach aches, and sleep problems.

Therapy can be an effective way to help people-pleasers overcome their behaviour. Therapy can help people-pleasers to:

·      Understand the root causes of their people-pleasing behaviour

·      Develop healthy boundaries

·      Learn to assert themselves

·      Increase their self-esteem

I hope this has given you a deeper understanding into people pleasing. It is not something to be judged but rather to have compassion and understanding towards.

References

Exline, J. J., Zell, A. L., Bratslavsky, E., Hamilton, M. C., & Swenson, A. J. (2012). People-pleasing through eating: Sociotropy predicts greater eating in response to perceived social pressure. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 31(2), 169-187. 

Carter, C. (2016). Why it doesn't pay to be a people-pleaser. Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley.

Simonelli, A., De Berardis, D., De Ceglie, A., & Madeddu, F. (2017). Dependent personality disorder and people-pleasing behavior. Journal of Personality Disorders, 31(6), 790-797.

Zimmerman, M. (2015). Codependency: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. New World Library.

Meyer, S. (2014). The Power of Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and What to Do When You Don't. New Harbinger Publications.